


a little death

by forgettingthedetails



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV), Thirteen Reasons Why - Jay Asher
Genre: AU: Everyone is alive, AU: The bad stuff hasn't happened yet and won't because love conquers all, Cunnilingus, Everything is good and nothing is bad, F/M, Fluff and Smut, Healthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-14
Updated: 2017-04-14
Packaged: 2018-10-18 15:41:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,023
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10619994
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/forgettingthedetails/pseuds/forgettingthedetails
Summary: How that night at Jessica's party should have gone.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Not at all meant to belittle the meaning of the show, I just needed some resolution.  
> Totally inspired by 'A Little Death' by The Neighborhood.  
> Sorry it's so cheesy 
> 
> If you see any major errors please feel free to send me a message, I totally don't have anyone beta these lol

The music was so much louder than he anticipated, which was not the observation Clay was hoping to be making at this, the first party of his Junior year. He was hoping to be noticing something more... salacious. Something like what he had seen in the movies. Where are the people chugging beer while their friends hold them in a handstand? Where are the people going way too far in a public space? Where is Hannah Baker?

Well, maybe less so on that last one.

Not to say that Clay didn’t want to see Hannah here, he did, more than anything, but to describe her presence as “salacious” is not right. Her presence was always… warm and a little bit celestial, in a good way. Like, how Aayla Secura or Cortana are celestial. What no, that’s not right either, well, it is, but not as much as she’s … ethereal. The way her hair bounces and flows, the texture of it. Her smile, her sense of humor. Clay couldn’t get her out of his head. And tonight was the night. He knew it was the night. Jeff had managed to get him here because of this overwhelming feeling inside like this party was going to be significant. A milestone. There was a buzz in the air, and it wasn’t because this Corona Light was going to his head.

He had felt it all day. If he were in a movie his entire morning would have been overlaid with a cheesy Hamilton Leithauser song. It was his favorite weather today, the kind of weather where it seems like a cloud has just fallen down from the sky and is lying sleepy on the ground. The air is heavy, but it’s not dark. Lights resonate even more than usual through the mist, everything is brighter in this kind of weather and Clay feels like he can finally breath.

Of course until she walked in.

If Clay was in a movie he would have walked right over to Hannah Baker and kissed her, entwining his hand into her cute, short hair. Then they would fall in love, leave the party and probably elope. But instead Clay did exactly what Clay always does, didn’t even wait to drop the bag of Cool Ranch Doritos in his hand, he ran (closer to a fast walk) to the back yard to thoughtlessly leave the party and make the biggest mistake of his life. But Jeff intercepted before it was too late.

“Clay, buddy, where are you going?” Jeff spoke, his arms open, both inviting and blocking.

“You know I’ve got to get up early tomorrow-”

“I heard Hannah might be coming, eh? What about that?”

“Oh that’s good, I hope she has a good time-”

“Clay, buddy, pal, get your ass back in there and hit a homerun with her.”

They say booze is the most powerful source of courage, whoever “they” are, they haven’t met Jeff. A series of baseball metaphors, encouragement, a cup of Corona Light and a puff of what he thought was weed managed to uproot him, turn him around and somehow convince Clay to actually pursue this night for all that it could be. Clay Jensen was no longer a “do your homework and get to bed by ten” kid, no, not tonight. Tonight Clay Jensen is Han Solo and Hannah is Princess Leia. An additional note, in this same extended metaphor it’s probable that Justin is Luke Skywalker. But not in a heroic way, in a kind of “I kissed someone and then never kissed them again” way. With worse hair. And more tattoos.

Clay felt like a phantom hand had reached into his chest and squeezed his heart until it was close to exploding. He feared going back inside, leaving the comfort of the heavy haze and cool evening of Jessica’s fenced in backyard, going back into the world of teenagers and gyrating bodies that seemed so much more haunting inside the building. But he mustered the courage. And walked in.

She was there, almost immediately when he walked in the door. Standing in the line to get a drink. And she saw him, and smiled. Such a kind smile.

“Waiting for a drink?” He said, holding up his own cup.

She nodded, and without a thought, half of his cheap beer went into her red solo cup. He already felt it going to his head anyways.

“Thanks, Clay.” she paused, “I didn’t think this was really your scene.”

“It’s not, but there was something about tonight.”

“Was that something Jeff? I heard he convinced you to come. Also, please do your best not to sound like a West Side Story trope when you’re at a party with booze, it doesn’t go over well”

“Well, uh, yeah, to the Jeff thing.. But I am actually having fun.”

“That’s a modern miracle. Who on earth would expect someone to have fun at a party?”

“I know. Hey, do you think anyone here was a pen and paper? I think we should write down the date so we can celebrate it in history. Maybe kids will even get a day off from school because of it.” They both laughed, for a little bit too long, and their eyes locked. And he felt himself do that cheesy thing where his insides melt.

“Maybe we should find somewhere quieter to talk?” He said, stepping closer to her, tall above her slightly smaller frame.

She agreed. And when they sat down on the couch amongst dumb teenagers playing a dumb teenage game. It felt, for the first time in his life, like they all belonged together. In the same room, their laughing and smiling as they fall all over each other was something he finally wanted. Something he was a part of. He wanted to feel this high all the time. Not the smoking high, though that wasn’t bad, the high he felt because it was working out. She liked him. He was 70%, no 80% sure that she actually liked him. She bit her lip before asking the next question and he noticed her lips were a berry-wine red. They matched her dress.

“How long have you been here?”

“I actually got here at seven,” the clock read 9:30 “no one told me 7 actually means 9. But you can thank me for the chip mosaic on the dinner table.”

“Oh that was you? Here I was thinking Picasso had been specially resurrected for the deserving event of the first party of junior year.”

“I took Intro to Art last year so-” But when he went to finish his thought the couple behind him leaned heavily on his back, making out, seeking the rest of the couch. Clay wouldn’t give in though. He laughed, attempting to persevere through. Hannah laughed too. For a moment, it felt like they didn’t need words to talk. His arm looped around her on the back of the couch. They just… looked at each other, and it wasn’t weird. Well, it was a little weird, but in the way that all teenage stuff is weird. Not in the cheap “I’m just trying to get laid” way, in the “I really can’t afford to fuck this up” way.

That was until the couple continued pushing on top of him, until his face was practically in Hannah’s lap.

“ I think it’s time we relocate.” Clay managed, pushing up with all his might.

“I think I know the place,” and when she said it, she didn’t take his hand. She linked their pinkies together and encouraged him forward. There was something more delicate about it. Only joined by the smallest bit as they meander through the party, filled to the brim with people, music too loud, but all he could focus on was where they joined.

As the stepped off the couch, the couple toppled down, onto each other, laughing like they’ve never been happier. Clay knew what that felt like. Well, he felt like he was on the verge of it, actually, as Hannah pulled them upstairs where the music was only slightly distinguishable. It was some Zayn Malik song, he thinks, his head is still a little fuzzy.

“Do you want to hear a joke that I came up with today at work when you weren’t there?” he asked, their hands still connected by their sides, his other lifted the drink to his mouth, taking what was left in the cup.

“Love the productivity. Hit me.”

“Okay, so two retired nuns are out to lunch, right?” She nods, “And Sister Mary says to Sister Jean, ‘Sister Jean, why are you wearing your nun headdress thing-’”

“It’s called a habbot-”

“Shhhh! No, Han, just listen. Sister Mary says ‘Sister Jean, why are you wearing your nun headdress thing, we’re retired!’ and Sister Jean says, ‘Oh Mary, it’s just an old habbot’” With a smile, he waited for her response. And she laughed, at that dumb joke. At his dumb joke.

“Okay, I have a number of complaints about that joke, first off I don’t think nuns can retire…”

Before she could finish her thought, a couple bursts out from behind the closed door at the end of the hall where they had been previously; Surprisingly soundless. The sauntered down the hall flirtatiously, the guy (was that Marcus? Clay couldn’t tell, everything but Hannah was kind of hazy) gave Clay a nudge on the way down, encouragement.

There was a pang of silence. Deafening.

“Do you want to, uhm, talk in there?” Hannah asked, breaking the moment, as if the answer would be anything but yes! Please! More than anything!

“Anything you want” He swallowed hard.

They stood in the doorway to the bedroom, laughing and joking, talking about movies for what felt like hours. Half of Clay was not ready to take the next step for fear of messing up but half of him knew that this was it. This was the moment.

“I actually have to quit working at the Crestmont, I need to help my parents working at the store. It’s sad, I like working there.” She was biting her lip as she said it, catching Clay off guard.

“I like it too.”

“I mean, I don’t really like the burnt popcorn smell or cleaning gum off the bottom of chairs, what I like is working with you, Clay.”

She was staring at him, at his lips, and Clay couldn’t figure out for his life why she was doing that.

They stood with a comfortable silence between them, the only noise was the bumping from the bass down below. Her breath caught in her throat, he noticed, when she inched closer to him, smiling. She smelled like lemon and lavender, like spring. She pulled their hands, still joined, closer to her. She must want to go into the room?

“Is this Jessica’s room?” He said, leading her inside gently.

“Um, yeah, she still has a rock collection, you know”

Hannah closed the door gently as she entered, drowning out even more of the outside noise. Once inside, her stockings readjusted, she pulled Clay over to Jessica’s desk to show off the “pets” she collected there. Normal, backyard rocks that had their own special containers and meaning to their owner.

“She used to water them.”

“The good thing about pet rocks is they never die, huh?”

And they went back to their default: goofing off. Joking about rocks, and Jessica and everyone else in this town that raged below them being normal teenagers, doing normal teenage things. Clay wanted that, to be a normal teenager, to not have to think over something twenty times before he does it. Clay wanted to be spontaneous.

“Hey, your name’s Clay.” Hannah giggled, sitting down on the full sized bed still dressed in the pink comforter of a fourth grader.

“Yes, I know, I’ve heard all the jokes, all of them.”

“That’s impressive.” A pause, “I like the name Clay”

“I like the name Hannah.”

Clay didn’t wait, not even to take his hands out of his pockets. She was biting her lip again. That beautiful red color. He leaned down and kissed her, sweetly, kindly. And the miraculous thing is she kissed him back, fully, nearly pulling him on top of her, smiling onto his lips as they fumbled to get closer.

They resigned to sit next to each other. He tried to keep a respectful distance between them, his hand sitting on her knee, right above her sock and the other one on her face. Hannah didn’t see the need for these formalities, apparently. She was the one to escalate the kiss from sweet to something more. Her kisses were needier, her hand slithering to his top button to undo it. His hands coaxed her out of her jacket, leaving her in just her dress, face flushed, hair a bit sloppier than before and looking divine. They still smiled into their kiss, at how unbelievable all this was. He had thought about this moment, but his imagination didn’t even compare to what it really was. Her hands were so gentle as they pulled him from his shirt, revealing his bare chest to the inhabitants of that bedroom.

They laid down together, giggling and kissing. He noticed her dress slip just up her leg, revealing her upper thigh, and something about it was so amazing. Just enough of her so that they never crossed that line. He wanted her to know that he didn’t want her body, he wanted her. Their kisses were needy, hungry but they never felt like teenage party hookup kisses. They were starved, not for anyone’s attention who was willing to give it, but for each other. Clay had known her, hell he had loved her for so long, and he just poured it out into the kiss. He pulled her dress down to her shoulders, feeling more of her exposed skin as his hands began to wander. She smelled like lemons and lavender. Her hand sat poised on his chest, thumb making small circles, and Clay couldn’t help but thinking this was the closest he’s ever been to another person.

Not in a physical way. Well, kind of yes in a physical way, but had he been doing this with anyone else, it wouldn’t feel like this, as natural as breathing, as if it always was and always would be meant to be. His hand trailed down her side, playing over the crest of her hip, she smiled into him.

He wanted to kiss her neck so badly. To enevelope himself in the scent of her hair, to just make her feel the same way he was, like this was right. He moved down to kiss her neck softly, one of his hands filtering through her hair. She leaned into him, taking his other hand into hers and leading it to her breast, encouraging him to cup it.

“Is this okay?” He asked, breathing into her, looking up to meet her eyes.

“More than okay”

So he continued, encouraging her onto her knees to remove her dress, revealing herself to him in just her underwear and stockings. Everything matched, black on black, and he just had to kiss her in that moment, pulling her on top of him as they both lay back down. She straddled him with an equal enthusiasm, her inhibitions, if they ever existed, gone. His buzz was fading but he wasn’t feeling any less amazing. He had a beautiful girl on top of him, who wanted him, and he wanted her, and they were kissing and she was a great kisser and he was pretty sure he wasn’t half bad.

Her hand, much smaller than his, came down to pull his hands from their position on her waist to her chest again, her hand venturing behind her to unclasp her bra, he took the privilege of throwing it down with the rest of their clothes.

Seeing Hannah like this was enchanting. He pulled away from her kiss to really see her. And she was truly ethereal. Her figure was full, beautifully, her hair was a mess and her lips were swollen, and she wasn’t smiling. No, she was smirking, with pride or ego, but there was no shame. She lifted herself up slightly, just enough to begin wiggling his pants off. Clay didn’t take long to take the hint. He kicked off his pants to be amongst everything else, noticing, for the first time, that he hoped they had locked the door, because he didn’t want this memory to be ruined by anything. He wanted it to be pristine.

He carried on with those thoughts, that was, until something potentially more earth shaking than the second coming of christ happened, she moved against him, in sort of a wiggle, but a salacious wiggle, against his crotch, where excitement was already getting the better of him. And he knew he couldn’t take any more of that, no sir, not if he wanted to keep her respect. And even past that, Clay knew that Hannah, this amazing girl who was a privilege to be with, had never been treated the way she should. She had always come second to douchebag men trying to make their lives slightly more meaningful. Clay was sick of it. He wanted her to be the focus, so she can finally see how much she truly deserves.

So he flipped her over, so he was on top, she began laughing. With her hair all splayed around her, her hands began pushing at his chest.

“Do you want me to stop?”

“Stop what?”

“This?”

Clay had watched a number of movies in his life. But one of them had definitely been “American Pie” and the things it taught him were numerous.

So he began kissing her neck, and running his hands down her sides, over her breasts gently, down her legs. Then he began kissing lower, her chest, taking a moment to focus on her breasts, her hand coiling into his hair as he did it, just flicking their peak, inciting short breaths from Hannah who’s other hand had moved to her mouth, her index finger sitting poised on her lip, waiting for his next move.

He moved down even more, kissing her belly, her hip bones, her ribs, and finally, so slowly, crawled down between her legs. Laying on his belly, he kissed her inner knee and began pulling off her stockings, starting with the left leg and then the right.

“Tell me when you want me to stop” He said, kissing up further, delicately, teasing her.

She didn’t say anything, just nodded. He had never seen her at a loss for words.

He reached her upper thigh soon, kissing down her panty line. He could already see her wetness glistening on her satin panties. They had tiny stars on them in silver. He loved the way they look on her, but what he loved more is the thought of them off her. He looked up at her, and instead of nodding she merely lifted her hips. Happily, he took them off, throwing them into the pile of now unidentifiable clothing at their feet. This whole time her eyes keeping on him, breath quickening. His breath was quickening too. He had never done this before, but he was pretty sure most of it was just confidence. Right?

He kissed her inner most thigh. Left side, then right. Her hips wiggled, and she blushed. She wants more he thought to himself, unsure what exactly she was expecting. So he kissed even closer to her sex, but not quite there. On both sides. And then closer again.

When he finally licked completely up her sex with the flat of his tongue, she sighed, loudly, throwing her head back and hitting it against the frame of the bed.

“Ow, fuck-” she groaned, holding the back of her head where she had made impact. And then, he did it again, “oh, fuck” this time in a much different tone.

Clay reached back into his mind into what he had talked about with his friends about this kind of stuff. The search came back blank because he didn’t really talk to his limited number of friends about eating girls out specifically, ever. Well, he knew what the clitoris was from health class because their school system was slightly progressive enough to show them the outside of the female anatomy, so maybe he should just go for that. Or maybe he should… erm… finger her?

Why not both?

Hesitantly, one of his hands traced their way below himself, awkwardly, and a single finger began running over her entrance, gathering the slickness there. Before he attempted to enter her, his tongue gently flicked over what he… thought was her clit? Maybe? It seemed right, from the pictures he’s seen. And it seemed right from the reaction he got, she wiggled, letting out a breathy sound that was not far from a moan. So that must be right. He surrounded it entirely with his mouth, taking in the taste of her (something he would definitely remember for the rest of his life) and working his tongue largely against her, slowly, as his finger began teasing deeper into her. Clay wasn’t willing to admit that he learned a thing or two from porn, but he definitely did. The G-Spot, that was upwards, wasn’t it? He eased into her slowly, continuing to lap at her clit, and stroked upwards.

She threw one of Jessica’s pillows over her face. Her back tensed. That means he’s doing something right. It must. So he continued.

His other hand moved around to grab hold of her hip, keeping her steady against him as she began wiggling even more. The pillow couldn’t contain her sounds after five more minutes of this. Her hand moved back to his hair, stroking it and encouraging him as she moved the pillow from her face, one hand grabbing her own breast. She was panting, her hair was a mess, she was playing with her nipple. And it was the hottest thing he had ever seen.

He sped up his actions, just slightly, and her pants turned to moans.

“Clay, I think I’m gonna-”

He lifted his head, curious at the sudden communication, “Um- I- Alr-”

“Clay don’t stop!” She scolded, propping herself onto her elbow to get a better look.

He found the same rhythm as before, and her breaths were coming out quickly, her moans getting louder. After a moment her back dropped onto the mattress, and both of her hands found their way into his hair. He didn’t stop. She pulled him into her ravenously.

Her toes curled and her back arched and her legs pushed together just slightly, small shakes passing through her as she came, he didn’t stop.

As her high subsided, and Clay ran his hand up her body as he approached to give her a kiss, cleaning up her hair in the process.

“How was it?” He asked, her hand fixing his hair in return.

“Words can’t explain,” She whispered, pulling him into another loving kiss.

“Clay, please, this wasn’t fair to you”

“No, it’s fine, here”

Without a second thought Clay pulled Hannah’s form into him, cuddling her up as her breathing steadied.

“Thank you” she whispered into his chest, knowing that she found someone who she knew wouldn’t hurt her, who she could be happy with.

After a while, they redressed and joined the rest of the junior class downstairs, sitting on the front porch, laughing and drinking. Sitting there, Clay realized this is where he was meant to be. Always. All the teasing and the rumors had lead up to this moment and honest to god it was worth it. To see her like this, happy, and that she liked him, truly, for what he was, he couldn’t have imagined his life any other way. He didn’t want it any other way. Clay sat on the front porch of Jessica’s house, feeling like, for the first time in his life, he owned the world.


End file.
